went to see the volcano do it's spewing hot ash bit last night... "so yeah, i think, like, all these mountains are volcanoes as well, but this one's just more awesome right now". Gringos ignorantes.

dennis hopper dies, millwall go up and germany win eurovision!... luckily i'm far enough away from British culture not to be too bothered by any of these... except Millwall... who can just fuck off.

"I don't need to speak Spanish, I'm teaching English". Gringos Ignorantes.

also, with the thought that in my tenth week at the school i've run out of things to say, my next few are going to run along a theme of 'Gringos Ignorantes' (Spanish for 'Ignorant Americans'), because i figure i have enough of those stories to keep this blog going for another ten weeks.

we've all been there... calling the teacher "mum"... and i have to admit, when little Stephanie did it, i laughed (because it's rather funny)... but luckily she's small enough that the kids at her table won't humiliate her too much, or at least don't have the attention spans to continue any ridicule past 5 minutes... let's just hope she doesn't do it again in Year 4.

and so, after practicing screaming really loudly with the kids and giving them sugar-encrusted froot loops from the colour exercises, he walked out the door knowing that, although those kids were going to give their teacher hell for the next 2 hours, he'd done his 20 minutes English Lesson... well... and that was all that mattered.

what i want to know is, if you're a policeman and you go on holiday to La Fortuna, why would you where a bright yellow vest with 'Turistas Policias' written on it? i think those guys need to chill out and have a piña colada.

also, being away from Grand Britannia hasn't made me love andy murray any more... come on Gasquet, if there were ever a moment for revenge...

another $3 haircut and i guess i'm going to have to rely on the beard for the scruffy-traveller look

there are certain words of advice i have come to heed since being in costa rica, all of which i feel sound a little too British for my tropical surroundings:
- don't take your camera to the beach
- wear suncream, even when it's cloudy
and
- do stuff in the morning, because in the afternoon it just might rain.
Welcome Rainy Season

if there were ever any doubt about the relaxed attitude of ticos (costa ricans), i want to bring to the discussion the moment at which Fabio, knowing full well that i hadn't driven for 3 years and that his whole family (minus himself) were going on this particular voyage to the la fortuna waterfall, threw me his car keys. luckily i know what "drive on the right!" is in panicked spanish. even got waved at by a police car.

student elections take an hour out of the class and generally make the children a bit distracted from learning... but all I care about is that my vote keeps the girls who named their team after a Stephanie Meyer book (Eclipse) out of power. I know student governments do nothing, but it's the principal, dammit!

but, on a good note about my Spanish learning, managed to get up to 3,000,000 colones on Quien Quiere Ser Milionario, and with that can pay for my trip here.

got a mention in assembly... don't know why.

tan update: (summed up in two quotes)
"don't worry, your spending your final week on a beach"
and
"at least you're better than the filthy gringos"

today i was faced with a dilemma all people must at some point in their lives face... to waterslide or not waterslide. despite the fact that it impinges on my ability to refer to myself as an adult and will inevitably impinge on my ability to keep an authoritative distance from the already-quite-disrespectful students, i chose to waterslide.

there's so many things i should get laughed for doing in school... spelling Tuesday wrong, accidentally telling the one kid in the class who speaks english to fuck off, spilling a drink i shouldn't have had in class all over a rather shy (and thus, thankfully, quiet) member of the class... but not my pronunciation of 'daughter'.

i love the general attitude of Costa Ricans towards a well-wishing communal spirit, which allows them to treat a complete stranger like an old friend... but i also love it when they cheer after hearing that the supposed winner of the coffee maker didn't actually have bingo, and thus the game can continue.

also, enjoying school now, let me show you why (excuse bad spelling and punctuation those who speak spanish)...

**dialogue takes place at the door to the classroom**

Oliteacher (as i am known): Donde va? (Where are you going?)
Fatshitkid: Necessito salir. (I need to leave)
Oliteacher: pourque? (why?)
Fatshitkid: No tengo que decir te. (I don't have to tell you)
Oliteacher: No tiene que escribir eso en su libro? (Don't you have to write that in your book?)
Fatshitkid: voy a salir (i am going to leave)
Oliteacher: you just try it mate.

last drinks with Linda and Kirsty from the San Ramon orphanage in a back-alley karaoke bar, with two gringo hen parties and some greased-for-a-good-time locals, and first drinks with the teachers for the principal's birthday...

assuming the kids really aren't listening, i know that at least one person has learnt something from this school week... i have learnt if you couldn't do tequila before, you won't be able to do it now.

exam-marking is undeniably a tragic affair, but at least there are moments of comedy to get you through... after failing the first 12 questions, including such gems as answering 'Where are your toes?' with 'On your lungs' and 'Your _____ pumps blood' with 'Stomach', Jose Ricado managed to get 'You use your ____ to think' correct. and what a great 'brain' that boy has.

this week i've seen the president of Costa Rica salsa dancing on the news and as a phone-a-friend on Quien Quiere Ser Millionario... and yet, when England's most powerful political figure is David Cameron, i feel in no position to comment.

depressingly, i feel i can most efficiently summarise the results of Exam Day at school by comparing it to the current political situation in England... no one knows anything.

i'm confused... it must be either that i haven't seen a film in such a long time, the spanish dubbing took away from the dodgy Hollywood dialogue or that i was loving being able to understand some of the script... because if not, then I just walked away from Spiderman 3 (Hombre Araña Tres) thinking it was a really good film.

do you know what, i have to admit it, sometimes the tourist things really are the best things to do... i would like to welcome Zip-Lining Between Massive Mountains In The Forests Of Costa Rica Head-First to the highlights page.

unique food and drink tour of the last 24 hours... my new favourite breakfast: fried bananas, cream cheese and rice&beans... beef soup at school, named not only because of the meat itself but also because of the ill-feeling caused by me eating 5 minutes before leaving school (4 hours early)... cappucino in a carton... coconut juice from fresh coconut, bought by Susy, my private student and jewellery shop owner... street chicken kebab, bought by Carlos, tourist shop owner... coconut ice cream, bought by new volunteer on the way to Monteverde... pizza, bought by me (strangely) in Monteverde... 5 cans of Rum and Coke (last night)... strong coffee (this morning)... paracetamol... and all topped off with my other new favourite breakfast: Naranitas Cereal, imagine Golden Nuggets, but orange-flavour and with Frosties-level sugar-coverage (if that doesn't sell them to you, I wouldn't recommend). Healthy's for losers.

"and there were at least three high-fives from the Labour Camp"... a British Election, with very British coverage... i'm missing home.

on another note: you never quite realise how strongly you feel about the state of your country until the international press informs you it's unavoidably swinging into the hands of evil.

(Probable) Best Moment of my teaching career: getting to write 'Girls have breasts' on the board... although with straight face and no embellishments, as it's not a subject you want miscontrued and relayed back to agressively Catholic Costa Rican parents.

(Probable) Worst Moment of my teaching career: opening a door onto a child's face. i know.

"Quien quiere jugar bingo?"... and the crowd goes wild.

would also like to thank Dos Piños for never giving up on the pathetic milk market in Costa Rica(everyone has rice and beans for breakfast and no one has tea) and continuing to make vanilla milkshakes and cappuccinos in cartons.

not that it was ever up there with whale-watching or seeing the northern lights, but at least now i can say i've been to a cattle expo. if you've ever wondered what a 988kg bull looks like, i can tell you it's damn scary... but i re-established my feeling evolutionary superiority by having one of those kilograms for dinner.

the usual saturday morning in the lush mountains of Costa Rica... pinto, fried hotdogs, fresca, a rocking chair, a sunny porch, my book, and Fabio (my homestay father) telling me that my government's going to go "a la derecha" (to the right). thanks Fabio