thanks to all those who have followed this, you've saved yourself a dull two hours getting cornered in the pub by a string of absolutely hilarious anecdotes about all the things you never really wanted to know about a corner of the world you may never visit yourself. it's been fun.

there ain't no place like home, because home has (in descending order) bioshock 2, good pasta, available internet, glastonbury, duvets, a comfortable chilly breeze even in June, a reliable transport system, cereal, posters on the tube for trash fiction, The Family, Wimbledon, cider, Jennifer Chiarotti, a dependable british sense of humour, and your mum.

i'm bored of volcanoes, tropical rainforests get in my way, paradise beaches just weren't what they once were... time to go back to England.

a great day of surfing, and all the boxes are ticked. rented a board from a man called Tigre (Tiger) who, after my first few relatively triumphant hours in the morning, introduced me to his 4-year-old son Mar (Sea), after at which they both went out. i sat on the beach, watched Mar surf better at the age of 4 than i think i ever will in my whole life, and cried.

so my old hostel was on the beach, had hammocks, free coffee and a fun security guard. my new hostel has internet, a pool, pinto in the morning, a book exchange, dvds, table football and a pool. tough life, really.

i would like to know what i did to insult the shoe gods that in the space of one week i've broken one flip flop, one trainer and one lace on my remaining pair of shoes. to rub salt water in the wound (a literal experience surfing this morning) the gods have deemed to break the right one of every pair.

and the last thing my homestay family are going to remember me for will be how i handle my first alcoholic beverage in two months. and they've chosen whiskey for the experiment. fun times.

final day at school yesterday, final day at the house today, it's all emotional and stuff.

went to see the volcano do it's spewing hot ash bit last night... "so yeah, i think, like, all these mountains are volcanoes as well, but this one's just more awesome right now". Gringos ignorantes.

dennis hopper dies, millwall go up and germany win eurovision!... luckily i'm far enough away from British culture not to be too bothered by any of these... except Millwall... who can just fuck off.

"I don't need to speak Spanish, I'm teaching English". Gringos Ignorantes.

also, with the thought that in my tenth week at the school i've run out of things to say, my next few are going to run along a theme of 'Gringos Ignorantes' (Spanish for 'Ignorant Americans'), because i figure i have enough of those stories to keep this blog going for another ten weeks.

we've all been there... calling the teacher "mum"... and i have to admit, when little Stephanie did it, i laughed (because it's rather funny)... but luckily she's small enough that the kids at her table won't humiliate her too much, or at least don't have the attention spans to continue any ridicule past 5 minutes... let's just hope she doesn't do it again in Year 4.

and so, after practicing screaming really loudly with the kids and giving them sugar-encrusted froot loops from the colour exercises, he walked out the door knowing that, although those kids were going to give their teacher hell for the next 2 hours, he'd done his 20 minutes English Lesson... well... and that was all that mattered.

what i want to know is, if you're a policeman and you go on holiday to La Fortuna, why would you where a bright yellow vest with 'Turistas Policias' written on it? i think those guys need to chill out and have a piña colada.

also, being away from Grand Britannia hasn't made me love andy murray any more... come on Gasquet, if there were ever a moment for revenge...

another $3 haircut and i guess i'm going to have to rely on the beard for the scruffy-traveller look

there are certain words of advice i have come to heed since being in costa rica, all of which i feel sound a little too British for my tropical surroundings:
- don't take your camera to the beach
- wear suncream, even when it's cloudy
and
- do stuff in the morning, because in the afternoon it just might rain.
Welcome Rainy Season

if there were ever any doubt about the relaxed attitude of ticos (costa ricans), i want to bring to the discussion the moment at which Fabio, knowing full well that i hadn't driven for 3 years and that his whole family (minus himself) were going on this particular voyage to the la fortuna waterfall, threw me his car keys. luckily i know what "drive on the right!" is in panicked spanish. even got waved at by a police car.

student elections take an hour out of the class and generally make the children a bit distracted from learning... but all I care about is that my vote keeps the girls who named their team after a Stephanie Meyer book (Eclipse) out of power. I know student governments do nothing, but it's the principal, dammit!

but, on a good note about my Spanish learning, managed to get up to 3,000,000 colones on Quien Quiere Ser Milionario, and with that can pay for my trip here.

got a mention in assembly... don't know why.

tan update: (summed up in two quotes)
"don't worry, your spending your final week on a beach"
and
"at least you're better than the filthy gringos"

today i was faced with a dilemma all people must at some point in their lives face... to waterslide or not waterslide. despite the fact that it impinges on my ability to refer to myself as an adult and will inevitably impinge on my ability to keep an authoritative distance from the already-quite-disrespectful students, i chose to waterslide.

there's so many things i should get laughed for doing in school... spelling Tuesday wrong, accidentally telling the one kid in the class who speaks english to fuck off, spilling a drink i shouldn't have had in class all over a rather shy (and thus, thankfully, quiet) member of the class... but not my pronunciation of 'daughter'.

i love the general attitude of Costa Ricans towards a well-wishing communal spirit, which allows them to treat a complete stranger like an old friend... but i also love it when they cheer after hearing that the supposed winner of the coffee maker didn't actually have bingo, and thus the game can continue.

also, enjoying school now, let me show you why (excuse bad spelling and punctuation those who speak spanish)...

**dialogue takes place at the door to the classroom**

Oliteacher (as i am known): Donde va? (Where are you going?)
Fatshitkid: Necessito salir. (I need to leave)
Oliteacher: pourque? (why?)
Fatshitkid: No tengo que decir te. (I don't have to tell you)
Oliteacher: No tiene que escribir eso en su libro? (Don't you have to write that in your book?)
Fatshitkid: voy a salir (i am going to leave)
Oliteacher: you just try it mate.

last drinks with Linda and Kirsty from the San Ramon orphanage in a back-alley karaoke bar, with two gringo hen parties and some greased-for-a-good-time locals, and first drinks with the teachers for the principal's birthday...

assuming the kids really aren't listening, i know that at least one person has learnt something from this school week... i have learnt if you couldn't do tequila before, you won't be able to do it now.

exam-marking is undeniably a tragic affair, but at least there are moments of comedy to get you through... after failing the first 12 questions, including such gems as answering 'Where are your toes?' with 'On your lungs' and 'Your _____ pumps blood' with 'Stomach', Jose Ricado managed to get 'You use your ____ to think' correct. and what a great 'brain' that boy has.

this week i've seen the president of Costa Rica salsa dancing on the news and as a phone-a-friend on Quien Quiere Ser Millionario... and yet, when England's most powerful political figure is David Cameron, i feel in no position to comment.

depressingly, i feel i can most efficiently summarise the results of Exam Day at school by comparing it to the current political situation in England... no one knows anything.

i'm confused... it must be either that i haven't seen a film in such a long time, the spanish dubbing took away from the dodgy Hollywood dialogue or that i was loving being able to understand some of the script... because if not, then I just walked away from Spiderman 3 (Hombre Araña Tres) thinking it was a really good film.

do you know what, i have to admit it, sometimes the tourist things really are the best things to do... i would like to welcome Zip-Lining Between Massive Mountains In The Forests Of Costa Rica Head-First to the highlights page.

unique food and drink tour of the last 24 hours... my new favourite breakfast: fried bananas, cream cheese and rice&beans... beef soup at school, named not only because of the meat itself but also because of the ill-feeling caused by me eating 5 minutes before leaving school (4 hours early)... cappucino in a carton... coconut juice from fresh coconut, bought by Susy, my private student and jewellery shop owner... street chicken kebab, bought by Carlos, tourist shop owner... coconut ice cream, bought by new volunteer on the way to Monteverde... pizza, bought by me (strangely) in Monteverde... 5 cans of Rum and Coke (last night)... strong coffee (this morning)... paracetamol... and all topped off with my other new favourite breakfast: Naranitas Cereal, imagine Golden Nuggets, but orange-flavour and with Frosties-level sugar-coverage (if that doesn't sell them to you, I wouldn't recommend). Healthy's for losers.

"and there were at least three high-fives from the Labour Camp"... a British Election, with very British coverage... i'm missing home.

on another note: you never quite realise how strongly you feel about the state of your country until the international press informs you it's unavoidably swinging into the hands of evil.

(Probable) Best Moment of my teaching career: getting to write 'Girls have breasts' on the board... although with straight face and no embellishments, as it's not a subject you want miscontrued and relayed back to agressively Catholic Costa Rican parents.

(Probable) Worst Moment of my teaching career: opening a door onto a child's face. i know.

"Quien quiere jugar bingo?"... and the crowd goes wild.

would also like to thank Dos Piños for never giving up on the pathetic milk market in Costa Rica(everyone has rice and beans for breakfast and no one has tea) and continuing to make vanilla milkshakes and cappuccinos in cartons.

not that it was ever up there with whale-watching or seeing the northern lights, but at least now i can say i've been to a cattle expo. if you've ever wondered what a 988kg bull looks like, i can tell you it's damn scary... but i re-established my feeling evolutionary superiority by having one of those kilograms for dinner.

the usual saturday morning in the lush mountains of Costa Rica... pinto, fried hotdogs, fresca, a rocking chair, a sunny porch, my book, and Fabio (my homestay father) telling me that my government's going to go "a la derecha" (to the right). thanks Fabio

i'm sorry tourists, does it make the whole thing a bit less 'authentic' when there's a British kid sitting in the computer room? well don't worry, after a quick 'authentic' dance show and some 'authentic' food you can go back to your 'authentic' hotel and relax knowing you've seen things as they really are... but that you ultimately prefer a cocktail by the pool.

i said one line (but i'm bending it to 'one line for each' because everything's just so damned important)...

- yesterday i had my first experience with almond snickers, strawberry daiquiri and slightly dodgy street meat, and i wouldn't recommend either.

- yesterday i also went head-first through what i felt to be a massive rite of passage in Spanish-language learning... backing a almost total conversation almost totally battered.

- but, in the biggest moment of the week, Juliette (my partner in educational crimes against humanity, like spelling 'colour' with a 'u') left to go home. woose. guess i'll have to train alex to be less of a demonchild myself. stage 1: go get the stick. stage 2: sit... still.

so i've come back to school, after three years of university education and a wealth of life experience, and yet still I can't work out why you would need a white crayon.

tan update: i am about three fifths of the way towards being accidentally mistaken for someone who, possibly, lives close to, but not necessarily on, a beach, a beach which is probably quite a way above Chelmsford, potentially in Norfolk.

good to know that the kids in my house still appreciate a good bit of molten rock falling down the side of a volcano, but they seemed less amazed than me about getting to hold a firefly, nature's perpetually raving pillheads.

is it odd that watching people get mauled for four hours on tv yesterday has made me want to go bull-running?

also, have to advertise this to the world, got told last night that i dance a good salsa. greatest moment of my life? let's just see if my future son/daughter will solve world hunger...

look, alright... if the spanish speaking world didn't want the two things to get confused, they wouldn't have made 'sangria' and 'sandria' (watermelon) so similar. i did think 2pm was a little early to be getting on it.

not going to lie, really quite enjoyed watching bunnies with toothbrushes the size of bazookas wage war on the jagged inside of a dark grimey cave full of evil frogs... but i think if it happened in real life the children i was watching said cartoon with would be a little more scared... i mean, scarred.

call me a capitalist, but i thought it would make business sense for a $3 haircut to leave you needing another one a week later. this is really not the case and also, after wondering for years what shape my head actually is, i can tell you my curiosity has been satisfied. although it's never great to be told by 20 niños pequeños (preschool children) that they don't like your new style.

also, a note to all those commenting on the lack of tannosity in recent pictures... i don't know how to tan, and even if i did, the Costa Rican sun doesn't change the rules, it changes the whole damn sport.

ten o'clock bedtime and this morning i am nackered! all worth it for the artificial paradise of fourteen swimming pools, fourteen different temperatures, five courses at dinner, three hours reading my book in a hottub (ill-advised if you want to minimise page wrinklage) and one cocktail from a bar in the middle of a pool. unfortunately, zero partridges.

just covered my bag in Spiderman 3 stickers... if kids want to leave them lying around.

...and that was me trying to stick to the original short-as-humanly-possible philosophy of the blog

apologies for radio silence... **takes deep breath preparing to say why**

met up with friends in la fortuna, had ice cream, went to hostel with pool, was british and got into pool despite rain and relative degrees of cold wind, had rum and cokes in pool, drank some more, ate seafood calzone, drank some more, apparently mumbled in sleep (apparently), booked volcano tour, read book in hammock, went on volcano tour (saw a wax tree, a laughing falcon, those ants that carry big pieces of leaves, bullet ants, regular ants, and lava), got free lift back from cool tour driver (also called Oli), 6 hours sleep, walked up massive hill with various members of local community (6:30am), had tuna, rice and frijoles (black bean) paste next to a waterfall, walked down hill, arrived home (4:30pm), had shower, slept, taught children,, went into la fortuna, had ice cream, talked in decent spanish to various shop owners, agreed to private classes with one woman, came home, watched boys at the house dissect massive beetles, ate dinner (without beetles... i hope) and still managed to have enough energy to burn Leo (one of boys at the house) at Chess. Hackemate!

young children are frequently metaphorically described as being like sponges with information, and I agree... if you hold them under the water for long enough, they're bound to soak something up.

2 big things...

Number 1: had my own class today for the first time... praise was given for my artistic skills in representing certain actions, including 'I have a baby', which, now that i think about it, could have been confused with 'I hold a baby'... i didn't draw a graphic picture of childbirth, don't worry.

Number 2: just started to miss out on things back home. they don't really have a phrase here, so i'll just say Chao, Nanny

can't believe i didn't post it over the weekend (so this'll have to be a cheat entry about something that happened a few days ago)... on Monday 12 April 2010 I brought frisbee to the beach and shallow waters of The World's Rich Coasts (literal translation of Costa Rica). a face full of salt water has never tasted so sweet.

a wolf walked past the bus stop last night. everyone else was completely unphased.

seamlessly slipping between Bad Tourism (pizza restaurants on the beach and the odd shite souvenir) and Good Tourism (helping the children to a level of English that hopefully won't mean they go into the tourist industry). there's a fine line.

on a less state-of-the-world note... i'm going to miss this hammock and chats about evolution on the beach and below the stars. never had a bigger smile on my face than when fellow traveller Alex brought the final few seconds of Men In Black into the discussion of the universe. it's, like, universal.

Upon my return I have a Glastonbury ticket and a trip with Jennifer Chiarotti to Calpe, hooray for delaying entrance into the Real World (jobs, coffee, rent etc.)... only, and i must stress this, not to the extent of becoming the hostel-haunting beach bum who is an advert for not smoking weed just from his 40-minute insistence that the woman from Indiana Jones (film on TV last night) is his girlfriend, only he doesn't like living with her in Hollywood. That's escaping the Real World, but on a whole other level

I will see if, even with a day of surfing, beaching, reading and lazing, any part of today can beat the moment at which I was sitting in a hammock with a bowl of cereal listening to AIM.

How long is a twitter post? ok... i promised to minimise text on this blog, so here goes... Pinto. School. Kids. Teaching. Effort. Weekend. Early. Bus. Hours. Arrival. Photos. Beach. Hostel. Hammock. Seafood. Pina. Colada. Paradise. Surf. Beach. Surf. Amazing. Did you get that?

''look mate, if this were any other place in the world, at any other time, you'd have been dead long ago... but seeing as this happens to be a bathroom in Costa Rica (the apparent home of weird bugs/reptiles/miscellaneous) and as I happen to be feeling particularly chilled out today, I'm going to let you stay on the wall. But next time we cross paths, freaky moth-bug thing, you might not be so lucky...''

back at school... it's good to know Heads Shoulders Knees and Toes is not only Universal, but also a great and easy exercise with all age groups

i will take a picture of a hummingbird, just as soon as i see one at an opportune moment and as soon as i can afford a camera that can actually take a picture of something other than a blur... come back to me in three years time.

finally getting into a flow here... which is great because i think my brain's slowed to the pace of life here (which takes the attitude of it being too hot to bother with anything)... but bad because i'm already on the third of only six books i brought with me (the english language has become like a heavy duvet in winter).

went for a 6 hour walk today to another waterfall (not as big or loud as the previous one, and much less fun to play in) on what feels like a sweltering day. Hope the assertion that 'sweaty is the new black' (Joss Holden-Rea, 2010) is correct

something Lonely Planet forgot to include... if you turn on a light in the middle of a dark house at night, a dragonfly the size of your hand might just fly in your face.

and one more also (busy day), the news has announced that ricky martin is a homosexual... and everyone was surprised. you'd think that would be sarcasm, but 75% of the population of Costa Rica, the percentage of practicising Catholics, seem to be not only shocked, but very annoyed.

also, if you ever don't want to pay 200 Colones to use the toilet in a bar (only about 30p, but i refuse to be charged for a basic sanitary right), just shout English sentences in quick succession at the staff. and do the little toilet dance.

today i went to a river and where the water was actually blue... let's not linger on the science behind how the particular minerals of the rock blah blah blah, but instead just go 'fuck yeah! blue water!'. there was also a rope swing, and with a bad fall like mine, i can tell you that the blue tends to accentuate a red body.

i think i'd rather the mosquitos just carried me to their lair and finished me off quickly rather than piece by piece, day by day. spent last night watching Quien Quiere Ser Millionario, was shocked to find out that they only win 25,000,000 colones (roughly 33,000 English pounds), not that anyone gets close, the questions are so tricky. who knows which team Michael Jordan retired playing for?

went for a wonder in essentially a mini-rainforest today and was told to look out for the presence of small rodents, humingbirds, sloths, snakes, pumas and tigers, although in a typical recreation of my youthful zoo visits, I saw nothing. Probably for the best.

everything's tougher in the heat... cycling, walking, living... everything except taking a cold shower, that is.

that noise, the one outside my window that could be mistaken for the sweet, English-countryside ambience of crickets... is snakes! hissing, horrible, exotic, poisonous snakes. just don't go off the road at night.

went to a Catholic church today and actually heard some real singing. backed out, in typically polite british style, on eating el cuerpo de Jesus though.

one line on my day... i sacrificed my first sunburn (and what a full-back beauty it is) and a long journey (including one moment in which the bus had to let a lorry past a single-vehicle bridge, only for the lorry to continue blocking the bus to get the girl sitting next to me's phone number, brilliant) for my own middle-of-nowhere, un-gringo-fied, two-tiered, pure, fresh waterfall. Amazing.

apparently some cockrels are just too eager to start crowing... in no part of the world is the sun rising at 1am!

of all the events from today (including meeting costa rican family and travelling halfway across the country), the most note-worthy has to be the guy trying loudly and with every technique in the salesman book to sell toothbrushes on the coach. you can put this one in your shirt pocket!

first conversation in Spanish went well, with a man in a DIY shop, but it very quickly faltered when i worked out i didn´t actually know how to say ´padlock´. so near and yet so far.

Continental Airlines don´t have a little celebratory trumpet like Ryanair to signal a ¨successful flight¨(whatever that means in terms of Ryanair), but they do have 335 films. yeah.

Introduction

For those who know me, the following statement may seem slightly ridiculous and also, if you take it as a downright lie that no intelligent person would believe, insulting... i'm going to keep it short but sweet. Not sure how much i'll get to a computer anyway, but when I do I will give you a line per day... and I hope you'll enjoy

Oli